MonkeyLizards! I Hate MonkeyLizards!
by Loke Groundrunner
Summary: Anakin and Obi-Wan head to a derelict communication center and uncover a horrible evil that wants their pants! Rated T for gross humor, pants jokes and some mild poking of fun at Star Wars.


Monkey-Lizards! Why'd it Have to be Monkey-Lizards!

Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi's Eta-2 _Actis_ interceptors emerged from hyperspace and disengaged from their external hyperspace docking rings. The two Jedi had been sent on a mission to discover why there hadn't been any transmissions from a communications center orbiting the Empress Teta system.

"It's good that we're finally out of hyperspace," remarked Obi-Wan, "I hate flying."

"Don't you mean it's 'Jolly good' to be out of hyperspace, Master?" Inquired Anakin, with a smile in his voice.

Obi-Wan sighed. "If you ever stopped making fun of me, I think I would die."

"Come on, Master. Can't you take a little joke?"

"Anakin, this is very serious business. We need to find out what caused the Tetan Communication Center to stop reporting to Coruscant."

The interceptors grew closer to the communications center, Obi-Wan changed comlink frequencies and began hailing the center.

"Tetan Communication Center, this is Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi and Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker, please respond."

The comlink crackled with static and Anakin said, "I guess we have no choice, we have to see what's up."

"I have a bad feeling about this," Obi-Wan said nervously.

"And the award for most famous cliché goes to Obi-Wan Kenobi!" muttered Anakin.

"What was that, Anakin?" asked Obi-Wan.

"Nothing, Master."

A door that lead to a docking bay mysteriously opened and the Jedi piloted their craft inside. The door closed behind them and the two hopped out of their ships.

The docking bay was filled with other spacecraft that were mostly gutted or would only be seen valuable in the eyes of a Toydarian junk dealer. All kinds of droids laid in piles strewn across the room, it was hard to distinguish what model the droids even were since the place was in such a state of disarray.

The two Jedi began walking through the piles of scrap and soon came to a door, Obi-Wan used the Force to push it open and they went inside. They were now in a large corridor, where a pipe blocked their way.

"Leave this to me." Said Anakin. He ignited his lightsaber, hacked the pipe in half and extinguished his blade.

Anakin and Obi-Wan continued to journey down the corridor and soon came to a turbolift and they went inside. Anakin pressed the button inside, the turbolift shot upward and they arrived on the upper level of the station.

The upper deck of the station was in even worse disrepair than the lower, the computer units were broken, lighting fixtures had been smashed and many different profanities had been clawed into the walls.

"It looks like no one has been here for awhile," Anakin said quietly.

"Anakin, come look at this," Obi-Wan said to his apprentice.

Anakin came to where his master was standing and saw a horrible sight: the ground was littered with beings that probably ran the station before whatever happened and to Anakin's horror, they were all minus their pants.

Before Anakin could say anything, he saw all the pants lying in a pile nearby.

"What could have done this? Kill unarmed beings and remove their pants?" Obi-Wan asked, puzzled.

"Perhaps it was a 'Clothing Optional' communication base?" Anakin replied.

"Don't be silly, there is no Naturism is Star Wars, only corny dialogue and poor acting."

Suddenly, Obi-Wan grabbed the side of his head and Anakin said, "Master, what's wrong?"

"I feel a great disturbance in the Force," replied Obi-Wan, "As if a million souls suddenly cried, 'Oh no! They're showing The Phantom Menace again!'" "I feel it too," Anakin said as he grabbed his head in pain.

Then a hideous creature emerged from the pile of pants; it was about a meter tall if not shorter, it had a tan warty body, tassels that were hanging off of its ears, red hair on its head and around its neck and greedy mischievous eyes. It was a Kowakian monkey-lizard, possibly the most annoying creatures in the galaxy.

The repulsive creature scurried over to Obi-Wan and Anakin and looked up at them.

"What?" inquired the monkey-lizard, "Ooo ar yu?"

"I am Anakin Skywalker," replied Anakin, "We come in peace."

"Peaz?" the monkey-lizard asked, "Yu Jedi?"

"Yes, my little friend," replied Obi-Wan, "we are Jedi. Who are you exactly?"

"Me? Who me? I me!" replied the monkey-lizard.

"We know you are you," Anakin said impatiently, "We want to know your name."

"Me," the creature replied, "Me, Me……….. Rankle B. Naughty!"

The two Jedi looked at each other, remembering that monkey-lizards often took names that described their mischievous behavior.

"What're yu doin' 'ere?" asked Rankle.

"We are here to discover why the Tetan Communication Center has gone offline." Replied Obi-Wan, matter-of-factly.

"Yu wanna know why Zenter gone offline?" asked Rankle.

"Why did it?" asked Anakin. "Why did it?" Rankle repeated in Anakin's voice, than Rankle said in his high-pitched voice, "I gill everybody and zteal their pantses!" the monkey-lizard let out a nasty cackle that echoed throughout the upper deck.

"Hmm," said Rankle, "Yu twos gots pantses. Real nice Jedi pantses, good additon to Rankle'z collection. Maybe I aught to gill yu twos and zteal yur pantses." The monkey-lizard raised one of his hands and debris from the ground flew up at the Jedi.

Anakin and Obi-Wan ignited their lightsabers and quickly deflected the barrage with the Force.

Rankle shot lighting from his claws and Anakin absorbed it using the Force and shot it back at him. Anakin sliced at the monkey-lizard and felt something hit him on the head. Everything went dark and the young Jedi hit the deck.

Anakin was in a field Padmé, the only woman in the galaxy he ever loved. The two were having a picnic on the grass, like they did at Naboo three years before. She was dressed in the same dress that she wore that day in the meadow. He felt happy, no more struggles, no more hiding his love from the Council and Obi-Wan, life was simple again. Just him and Padmé together forever, like they belonged. As he lied there on the grass, Padmé came over to him and began slapping him in the face, he would have been angry with her, but she was doing this as a sign of affection. She began shouting, "Anakin! Anakin! Wake up!" she bent low and smiled at him, soon their lips were locked together. She briefly broke the kiss and began pressing on his chest, almost as if she was giving him CPR .He grabbed her and kissed her passionately, he refused to end the kiss and he pulled her closer and closer until-------

He woke up and found himself kissing Obi-Wan. "AAAAGHHHH!" cried Anakin, "Why did you kiss me!"

"Don't be childish! I was giving you CPR and you started kissing me!"

"Still, you could have tried slapping me!"

"I tried and all you kept saying is, 'I want more!'"

"At least the tabloids didn't catch us like that last time."

"Yes, that was a disaster."

"Don't you mean that was a 'Bloody' disaster?"

"Anakin, you know how I hate it when you do that."

Anakin looked down and saw something horrible: HIS PANTS WERE GONE!

"NOOOOOOOOO!" cried Anakin, "Why'd it have to be monkey-lizards!"

"We have no time to worry about that," Obi-Wan said, "We have to find that creature and give it a talking-to."

"So, what exactly are we dealing with here?" Anakin asked his master.

"It would appear," Obi-Wan replied, "that we have just battled a Kowakian monkey-lizard that has access to the powers of the dark side of the Force."

"Maybe we should leave, call the Republic to blow this place up and GET MY PANTS BACK!"

"Oh, look!" Obi-Wan said, mimicking Anakin, "I'm Hayden Christensen, I'm acting totally out of character! I'm supposed to be the rebellious hunk every teenage girl wants a piece of, but instead I'm sitting on the floor, crying about how my pants were stolen!"

"Maybe we should stop arguing and find that thing, it must have my pants!"

The two Jedi stopped their childish bickering (temporarily) and went into a nearby cafeteria, where Anakin grabbed an apron and tied it around were his pants should be.

"You know, that looks vaguely like a skirt." Obi-Wan told his apprentice.

"Please, I'm not in the mood for those kind of jokes right now."

Then a cackle sounded through the cafeteria, along with a high-pitched voice that proclaimed, "HAHAHAHAHHAH! I gots yur pantses! I gots yur pantses!" The monkey-lizard stood on a table, waiving Anakin's pants around. Rankle dropped the pants and looked at the Jedi. The monkey-lizard said a Huttese obscenity and told Anakin, "Yu no boy Jedi! Yu Gurl! Yu ware skirt! HAHAHAHAH!"

"Give me my pants, you filthy little rat!" growled Anakin. He turned on his lightsaber and cut the table in half.

The annoying Rankle jumped on Anakin's head, covered his eyes and said, "Guess who, gurlie!" "Obi-Wan!" shouted Anakin, "GET THIS THING OFF OF ME!"

Obi-Wan was cowering in the corner and Anakin cried, "Who's acting out of character now!" he shook Rankle of his head and said, mimicking Obi-Wan as he pulled off the apron and put his pants back on, "I'm Ewan McGregor, I'm supposed to be the likeable father figure to young Anakin but instead I'm acting dopey and childish!"

"I'm not acting dopey and childish!" demanded Obi-Wan, "I was meditating on the Force before going to battle!"

"Oh, whatever, let's just kill the stanging monkey-lizard! I have to go buy an X-rated holovid---- I mean, uh, attend the Jedi Council's briefing about Separatist movement in the Outer Rim." Anakin laughed nervously. Obi-Wan looked angrily at his apprentice, the master ignited his saber and they went after Rankle.

The monkey-lizard's tail grabbed onto a chandelier and the mischievous primate swung back and forth, hurling a black substance at the Jedi. Obi-Wan ran at Rankle and cut his tail off, causing the bad little critter to hit the floor screaming in pain.

"AHHHHH! No nice man! Bad men! Hurt Rankle B. Naughty! I teach you lesson!" The monkey-lizard raised both of its hands in a clutching gesture and Anakin and Obi-Wan hovered above the ground, choking, dropping their lightsabers and deactivating them.

Rankle let out a cackle and said, "Yu twos gonna die! Gonna die ugly, painful death! I'm gonna zteal yur pantses!" Anakin knew there was only one chance left, he used the Force to levitate and activate his lightsaber, and sent it whirling into Rankle's chest.

The monkey-lizard let out a scream of pain and the Jedi were released from his grip. Anakin deactivated his lightsaber and surveyed the smoking corpse of Rankle. "He was too foolish to see the truth, he was blinded by his obsession with killing beings and stealing their pants," Anakin said coldly as he and Obi-Wan headed for the docking bay.

They jumped in their interceptors and headed for their hyperspace docking rings.

"It's just as well that we came here to dispose of that dreadful creature," Obi-Wan said bitterly.

"Don't you mean it's just as 'Bloody' well?" Anakin inquired.

He couldn't hear the oath Obi-Wan called him as they entered hyperspace.


End file.
